


i can't take it anymore

by sundhime



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Cutting, Depression, Drowning, Other, but he doesnt, but he has minnies best interests at heart, but maybe just not today, changbin knows he needs to tell someone, everything about seungmin is depressi g, i cant spell, its a very wrong move, just wait until i get the inspiration to finish my fics its over for yall, one day!!! one day i WILL finish one of my works, seungmin hates himself, slight seungmin x changbin? if u look hard enough, stray kids unite!!!! hahahahaha i'm so depressing, take that how you will, this really has nothing to do with the song insomnia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-03-09 10:44:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18915358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sundhime/pseuds/sundhime
Summary: seungmin means it when he sings insomnia. no one ever realizes until it's too late.





	1. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seungmin hates himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i know, "why tf r u updating a new fic when you havent posted a recent chapter in nearly 3 months...."
> 
> alas i leave PROCRASTINATION for NO ONE else
> 
> anyways, there might be a few major tws bc i love suffering  
> tws consist of; detailed cutting, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions of previous attempted self-drowning, hint of anxiety/panic attacks

Seungmin hates himself sometimes.

(He just feels tired all the time, tired of himself and the world and his  _thoughts and everything-_ but he can't do anything about it. So he hates himself silently, wallowing in self deprecation and tears while he stares at the top of his bunk bed in the night, listening to Changbin's steady breaths.)

Some nights he gets up, waits until he's sure Changbin won't be getting up any time soon, and heads to their restroom where he locks the door and sinks down the wall with his hair clutched in his hands, crying quietly.

He hates himself sometimes. (And one day when he cuddles with his hyung, his body trembling as Changbin muffles his cries with a soothing hug, he tells him that.

Changbin stills and Seungmin's so afraid. He tries to pull back and he _can't_ because Changbin's holding onto him so tightly that it hurts and he starts crying harder and it's all such a _mess_ , he hates how he reacts and he just wants to die, because he knows his hyung knows when he says sometimes he means all the time because he always hates himself.)

He leaves no room for hatred towards others because no one could deserve it more than him, no one needs to know how worthless they are but Seungmin and he knows it.

(Seungmin's still crying and he doesn't deserve his hyung, because he's wiping his tears and the mucus dripping down his nose with his tshirt and he laughs gutturally, the sound scratching up his throat.

It's all a mess and that's the only thing Seungmin can focus on. He tries to voice his concern to Changbin but can't achieve anything but babbling nonsensically into the material of his hyung's shirt while saliva pools beneath his tongue.

He feels like he's going to die. His chest hurts and he starts to feel lightheaded, but he can't say anything because he's focusing on Changbin's urgent murmurs and the hand combing through his hair.)

Seungmin hates himself, but he's too much of a wimp to do anything about it. He doesn't have the guts to kill himself. He doesn't even deserve that honour. He doesn't deserve to be able to rest in peace.

He spends his free days in the bathroom. His other hyungs tease him sometimes, poking fun at the way Seungmin spends hours in the bathtub soaking.

Changbin-hyung doesn't anymore. Not after the time he found Seungmin face down in the water, a necklace tied to the drain holding his neck in place so he wouldn't be able to ascend.

(He used to tell Seungmin that he should get help, that he needs to tell Chan or someone, anyone that can find a solution. He stopped after Seungmin had a panic attack, freaking out because _"Chan hyung has too much on his plate, he's already so stressed about the other members and aren't I supposed to be one of the responsible members? Hyung please don't tell anyone, please,_ please _-"_

(He's glad Changbin hasn't found his cuts.

He isn't stupid enough to slit his arms, because he doesn't keep his wounds light and he knows that if he does it on the soft whites of his arm it'll leave very noticable blemishes. He's terrified of someone finding any trace of how fucked up he is. Instead, his thighs are littered with dark marks, marring the image of his pale skin.))

He keeps 4 stainless steel razor blades neatly hidden inside his math notebook.

He spends his bath time to himself, doting upon every slice as he drags the steel unforgivingly down his skin, criss crossing the marks previously there and pinching the loose skin to let the blood rush out quicker.

It makes him dizzy (but in a good way because he can feel something, he loves the sharpness he feels when the water enters the wound and his blood billows in clouds in the bathwater.) He sits in the tub for at least 2 hours, basking in the dark pink water and digging his nails into both new and scabbing slits.

And his hyung doesn't know because how could he? How could any of them? He doesn't want them to worry so he's become used to it, hiding his emotions in favour of taking care of his elders and Jeongin. 

They deserve it more than him, at least.

Seungmin hates himself sometimes (and he isn't sure how his band mates don't either.)


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> changbin fucks up and seungmin just can't deal with anything anymore. he's done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have fun?

They're eating dinner silently when Changbin sets his spoon down firmly. Seungmin freezes. He raises his shoulders and puts his spoon down too.

"What's wrong?" Chan questions.

Changbin groans and runs a hand through his hair before answering. "Seungmin needs help."

He stands up and sends the cutlery clattering onto the floor.

"Shut up."

Changbin stands up, too, and the others are looking at the both of them with curious eyes and Seungmin hates them, he hates himself for hating them because they are the most beautiful things the universe has to offer.

"I'm not wrong, Seungmin, you know you need help."

"Shut up," Seungmin repeats, his voice higher and his eyes wide. He feels like a wild horse, cornered and terrified. His heart is beating furiously and he faintly considers the chance of the organ bursting out of his chest.

Changbin tries to grab Seungmin's hand at the same time as Chan reaches for his arm and he lets out a scream, cowering away and he knows the rest of the members are watching them with wide eyes.

There's a few moments of absolute silence before everyone is jumping towards him and the voices are all cluttering together and (he can't hear,) he can hear Jeongin's voice trembling with tears and Changbin's pleading to "please, please tell them" and Chan is trying to reach him but he's backing away from them all. Chan grabs his wrist harshly and tugs him onto a couch and he hears sobbing.

He faintly thinks, 'who's crying?' before he feels the wetness dripping down his cheeks and it's him. His sobs are ripping out of his mouth and he shoves his fist inside, biting on the skin until he can taste the tangy metal of his blood.

He feels like he's underwater.

Everyone is trying to talk to him but he can't hear them. He stares blankly in front of him as Chan tries to talk. He doesn't want to talk, he doesn't want help because he's used to the way he is now. If somehow he didn't feel the way he does now, a part of him would die. It's just him.

Some people target their feelings as a separate being, as something out to get them, but Seungmin doesn't because he knows that they're the same. His depression is only telling him what he would tell himself.

Changbin is suddenly there, holding Seungmin's cheeks softly and he kneels in front of him. His lips aren't moving and he's the only thing that's static in the midst of the chaos, so Seungmin slides off the couch and falls into Changbin's lap, his shins digging uncomfortably into his hyung's thighs. The noise is still there but this time it's quieter. Changbin speaks.

"Seungmin. I love you, Seungmin, so please tell them how you feel, what you do. Please, Seungmin, I know that you've done more. I've seen your legs, Minnie, I. I'm so worried, I'm so so worried."

And Seungmin starts to shake, clutching Changbin's shirt tightly. He pushes his hyung away and flees towards the door, grappling the lock and pushing it open with his elbow as the others shout and run after him.

(Seungmin's chest is bursting and his eyes are full of tears and he hates himself so much that he doesn't know what to do with it anymore. He hates this, he hates the situation, he hates it all.)

He turns behind the staircase, huddling down and waiting until he hears the rest of his bandmates run past him, up the stairs. He emerges and walks barefooted, walks downstairs until he finds himself at the exit and he goes past that, too.

He isn't worried about fans seeing him anymore, he's running too quickly to care about anything. He slows down and pads towards an apartment building. He doesn't know what he's doing.

He bursts onto the fire escape of the first floor. His calves are screaming at him as he takes the steps two at a time. Seungmin's foot catches on a step and he falls hard. His tongue prods his lip and there's that annoying taste again, the taste of his blood. It burns and he thinks his pants are irritating the scratches that cover his thighs. 

(Seungmin tries to catch his breath as he presses his hand to his face, but what's the point? All it does is hurt more and his whole body hurts and a sob leaves his throat.)

He isn't finished running yet, and he drags himself up to start running again.

(He wants to know how you can be numb while every muscle aches and every nerve is on fire.)

He reaches the roof and drops to his knees for a few seconds before he clambers back up and stands at the railing, gasping for breath. He directs himself over the metal. Seungmin peers over the edge of the roof.

(He thinks the end of his life is a long-time coming, honestly. He hasn't given anything to the world.)

It's scary to look over the edge and think that he will never see his bandmates, his family, again if he finally does this.

He hates himself. He's just a coward who runs away from his problems.

Seungmin shuts his eyes and the wind blows through his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (please don't kill me for the ending)
> 
> this is super rare. might be the first time ive finished something, and like  
> in 2 days?  
> i guess both yall and i are blessed, huh? double updates whee


	3. notes and extras

u kno

i was thinking abt it and i finished this pretty quickly, but i? as bad as it sounds i wanna spend more time depressed seungmin and changbin tryna help

so! i decided i could write little drabbles (arent drabbles supposed to be cute? idk all of this is just angst and despair) about what happened before and how changbin came to realize that seungmin was not in a good place mentally.

anyways

im not gonna be updating it hyper fast and if i do update its prolly not gonna be a lot, maybe a put-together 600 word oneshot thing.

anywho, toodles! until next time (which will either be in 4 hours or tomorrow!)


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